Shy and Introverted

Over the recent months, I’ve been trying to figure out what is going on with me in terms of my personal life and in terms of my career. It seems that one of the factors that most affects my ability to communicate with others has to do with me being shy and introverted. The two concepts were always intermixed in my mind, so I decided to write down a few thoughts to try and make it clear for myself.

This is the result of my observations and thinking about what I can do to become more effective as an employee. I don’t claim that I understand the topic in any depth. I’m simply going to discuss what I see and what I feel.

So, first, let me define the terms as I understand them.

Shy

What is being shy? A shy person is one that avoid talking to others. When put into a position where communication is required, shy people become nervous. Their voices tremble, they avoid eye contact, they blush. In general, they are always trying to get out of the situation that put them there in the first place. At work, shy people avoid meetings where they are expected to talk. Naturally, they don’t volunteer for many things. They also typically don’t stand out from the crowd. This means that they are rarely noticed by other employees that don’t work with them daily. In turn, this leads to shy people being “stuck” in their roles for long periods of time, without promotions and without recognition. Note that this has nothing to do with a shy person’s abilities. They can be smart; they can be brilliant. However, if no one notices this, then a shy person’s performance at a particular task typically has no effect on their career trajectory. To put bluntly, shyness negatively affects people’s ability to communicate effectively.

There are, of course, degrees of shyness. What I’m describing here is an overly shy person. There are degrees of shyness, so some shy people don’t blush. Some voices don’t tremble. That is, being shy is not a career suicide. It is simply harder to get noticed than for a person who is not shy.

Introverted

Now, if that’s being shy then what is being introverted? Is an introverted person necessarily shy? At a glance, it seems that dictionaries define an introverted person as being simply shy. This provides a nice sweeping categorization of introverted people, but the truth, in my opinion, is more complicated. I know many people who are introverted, but far from shy. That is, they do prefer to spend time alone. They do like being alone with their thoughts. However, when put into a situation where interaction with others is required or encouraged, they talk; they communicate; they make eye contact. At work, these are the people that can present a topic to a crowd of 30 people and not give any visual indication that they are nervous. Introverted people, especially when coupled with intelligence, can and do advance through the ranks. They are noticed. Other employees respect their opinions.

As a disclaimer, just as shyness, there are degrees of introvertedness. There are people at every point on the spectrum from extreme introversion to extreme extraversion. The important takeaway is that the level of intro- or extraversion does not affect the person’s ability to interact with others; it only affects their desire to seek out that interaction.

Where do I fit?

The memories I have growing up all say the same thing: I’m definitely introverted, and very likely shy. Interestingly, I wasn’t always shy. I do remember talking to people, joining in conversations, and making friends. As I grew up, it became more difficult to talk. It became harder to join conversations. It also became nearly impossible to make friends.

I don’t mean to say that I became less happy. No, quite the opposite. As I grew up, I became more comfortable and more confident. I started to realize that I am becoming an adult, which means that my opinions started to matter to me and to others. I gained a few good friends that have remained my good friends to this day.

At work, however, I seem to have entered a stagnant stage. I do my work, and I do it effectively. Still, I don’t feel like I get the recognition I need. I am not advancing as much as I would like. So what’s the problem?

Charlie Brown

I recently went to the movies to see the new Charlie Brown movie. I am not by any chance a fan of the whole Charlie Brown cartoons, but it was an interesting movie. In fact, it opened my eyes. The plot of the movie doesn’t really matter, but what’s important is that Charlie Brown himself struggles with making friends, talking to people, and being noticed. Watching this as an adult, it was almost comical to me how little his problems matter to someone in my position. That is, he should just talk to people. He should just make friends. He should just be himself.

The revelation came to me: I struggled with exactly the same problems when I was Charlie Brown’s age. They seemed as important as poverty and world hunger. Now, they matter as much as a slight discomfort I get when I skip lunch -- not at all important. If I had my understanding and my thoughts as I have then now, I would not be nearly as introverted and certainly not as shy as I was at that age. The scary part of this revelation is that I now have “problems” that also have to do with talking to people and being comfortable in front of large groups of people. I blush. My voice trembles. I want to run and hide.

The question is: how will I feel when I am twice my age and look back at the problems I have now? How trivial will my current problems appear? These simple questions had a profound effect on the view of my situation at work and in life. The truth is that my problems don’t matter. There is no point in blushing or feeling awkward. I should just be myself. I should talk and communicate as clearly and as comfortably as I do with my closest friends.

The important thing for me was to overcome the fear of rejection or ridicule. This fear is entirely in my head. After watching Charlie Brown, and reflecting on it for only a few hours, I feel like I have changed. I went to work the next day and I talked to people, and I communicated. I was comfortable.

What now?

People still see me as shy and introverted. This is due to the fact that they are still the same people who saw the old me for way too long. I don’t avoid situations where I am expected to talk, but I notice that my coworkers started to avoid putting me in these situations. Over time, I hope this will change. I will start to look for opportunities where I can make myself visible.

All that being said, I still don’t talk at lunch time as much as others. I don’t actively approach people I have not talked to before. Nevertheless, I feel completely different internally. I feel that I have regained the ability to talk to people without fear. I may not have regained my desire to do so, and maybe I never will, but I won’t let the fear or talking hold me back anymore.

As an aside, I also decided to write little blog posts about my experiences. My hope is that when I’m twice my age, I can look back, read this, and commend myself on taking steps to improving myself.